


we who lived

by Benson_Arizona



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/F, Pre-Relationship, Sole Survivor (Mass Effect), Which is saying something, it would just be less fun, not to imply tuchanka is fun in general, tuchanka can't have been fun for sole survivor shep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-30
Updated: 2018-09-30
Packaged: 2019-07-20 13:46:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16138493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Benson_Arizona/pseuds/Benson_Arizona
Summary: Ashley catches Shepard in an unguarded moment after the citadel coup, and they reconcile as she recalls the massacre on Akuze.





	we who lived

**Author's Note:**

> Set a little bit after Citadel II, and a ways before Rannoch.

It was night cycle on the Normandy, but the docking bay was as it always was – a little dark, a little cold, and filled with the scent of fuel, grease, and metal. Ashley stepped through the door slowly, allowing herself to be tired now that no one was watching.  


Cleaning guns sometimes helped her to relax and stop thinking about everything. Weapon maintenance had become a familiar, almost welcoming, task. The guns were simple yet elegant, and she knew all of them like the back of her hand. Her fingers trailed over cold gun metal, and she was reaching for a tool kit when she realized she wasn’t alone.  


Someone was giving Vega’s punching bag a beating in the shadows across the bay. The sound had been lost among the hum of the engines, but now that she was aware of it she could hear the power of the strokes. Vega was always a little slow, but whoever was beating the shit out of the bag wasn’t slow. She already knew it was Shepard, but she glanced over just the same.  


Sweat was running down her neck, and her tank top was practically glued to her back. The bag was swinging wildly, and Ashley could tell she had been there for a long time. Slowly, she set down the gun she had picked up and started across the bay. Shepard’s back was turned, and she hadn’t seen her. Ashley stopped and leaned against a railing behind her. She felt like she was interrupting something, but she didn’t feel right slipping away either, so she stood there watching Shepard hit the bag, her shoulders bunching and straining, her fists blurring, and her breathing ragged.  


Ashley didn’t know how long she would have stood there if Shepard hadn’t slipped up, and the bag hadn’t caught her on its back swing and knocked her off her feet. But before she could even think she was leaping forward to stop the bag’s momentum.  


“Ash?” Shepard sounded dazed, blinking up from the hard docking bay floor.  


“Uh, yeah,” she said. She hadn’t thought through what she was going to say, and there was still a bit of tension between them. “Sorry, I was just down going over the armory, and saw you.”  


“Couldn’t sleep either, huh?” Shepard leaned forward, arms resting on her knees.  


“Yeah.”  


“There’s been a lot going on.”  


“That’s one way to put it.” Ashley paused for a long moment. “What did the punching bag do?” She pushed at the bag, making it rock gently.  


Shepard shrugged, her eyes darting away. “It was there, and I needed to punch something.”  


“Come on. You don’t lose your cool like that. What happened?”  


“What hasn’t happened?”  


Ashley sat down across from her, her back against a crate. “Talk to me, Shepard.”  


“You’ve got enough of your own shit to deal with without listening to me talk about stuff that’s practically ancient history now.” It came out almost jovial, but there was still tension behind Shepard’s voice.  


“I know things got tense back there on the citadel,” Ashley said carefully. “And we’ve both probably said and done things we regret, but don’t shut me out, Shepard. Please.”  


Shepard sighed. “I just don’t know what to say beyond what I’ve already said. You were right, but I can’t change anything. Cerberus did what they did to me.”  


“You don’t have to say anything more about that. Lets just agree to put it behind us. Some of the things I said were harsh, and I wish I had had more time to think about them. Words never were my strong point.” Ashley shifted to sit beside Shepard, and rested a hand on her shoulder. “But I didn’t come over here because I wanted to rehash all of that. You looked like you were having a rough time.”  


“It’s that obvious, huh?” Shepard’s eyes were downcast, and she sounded incredibly tired. “Times like this, you remember all the people you couldn’t save - all the people who got left behind.”  


“I know what you mean. Leaving earth…” Ashley shook her head. “Its not something I’ll ever be able to forget.”  


“Every time I close my eyes I see it again,” Shepard said. “I remember Earth, Virmire, Akuze. Sometimes Elysium. That damn Thresher Maw on Tuchanka really brought some things back.” She shuddered.  


“I read the report. Sounds like it got pretty rough down there.”  


“It did.” Shepard nodded slowly. “We lost some good people.”  


“It can’t have been easy being on the ground when that thing started moving.”  


A humorless chuckle escaped Shepard. “I guess I kept it together. Barely. We had a mission, and I owed it to everyone to stay sharp.” - She looked up, drawing in a shuddering breath - “But god I was terrified.”  


“I’ve heard a lot of people talk about what happened on Akuze, but you’ve never said more than two words about it yourself.”  


“Yeah. It does come up more often than I’d like. Trust me, I’ve been over it a million times with the alliance psychologists. Nothing really helps you get over being hunted like that, though. I can control my response to the fear, but it’s still there.”  


“If you want to go back to punching things I’ll understand, but if you want to talk about it I’m here.”  


Shepard fell silent for a long moment, her left hand unconsciously fiddling with her pants leg. “I usually don’t talk about it; it makes me relive the helplessness – the desperation, but there isn’t much point in avoiding that now. The reapers have a way of reminding me anyway.”  


Ashley nodded. “They sure do.”  


“I was still a stupid kid when the brass sent my unit to Akuze. Just twenty-two. I’d made sergeant the year before. They had me leading a patrol on the perimeter when things started to get weird. First it was tremors, then noises. We radioed for orders, and captain Edison told us to investigate. It wasn’t five minutes before… before the ground exploded. I’ll never forget the sound Andy – Corporal Caldwell – made when that thing grabbed her. She was just gone, and the three of us left – Jimenez, Santiago, and I – we didn’t know what hit us. We were flying blind. We radioed, told the Captain we’d been hit, we weren’t sure by what, and we’d lost Caldwell.  


“He told us to fall back, regroup with the rest of the unit, but by the time we got back the Thresher Maws were already there. They were tearing us apart, Ash. Literally. There was blood, pieces of bodies. The camp was a mess; people were shooting and running and screaming. They were coming up from below whenever more than a few soldiers grouped up in one spot.”  


Ashley drew in a breath. “What did you do?”  


“I got on the com with the captain, told him I would stay with a small group while everyone else split up and evacuated to the LZ on high ground. It was just me, Jimenez, Santiago, Rogers, and Abdi. We formed up, and everyone else scattered and ran a fast as they could.”  


Ashley winced. In hindsight, there was no way that strategy could have worked. But there had been no way to know.  


Shepard shook her head and continued, “If we’d known how much of a punch the maws packed we wouldn’t have tried, but there’s got to be a first time for everything. They turned half of my guys into pulp with one shot of acid, then broadsided the rest of us. I got flung back; landed on my ass off in the scrub. They hunted me through the night. I could hear the others get taken down one by one until it was just the Maws and me. I kept on trying to find others, but I could never reach them in time. Near sunrise it was like the Maws gave up. The ground stopped shaking. When the sun came up I realized I was in a field full of all that was left of my unit. None of them were in one piece. Most of them were gone except for blood or a limb. I dragged myself back to the LZ, broken bones, chemical burns, and all, and they promoted me for it.”  


Ashley felt her hand tighten against Shepard’s shoulder. She knew what it was like to lose a squad. Eden Prime was still with her, just like Akuze was with Shepard. “I know it’s awfully hard to believe that you deserved to make it out of something like that, but you have to, Shepard.”  


“I don’t know if I deserved to live,” Shepard said. “But here I am. A long time ago you asked me how I dealt with it, and I told you I promised myself I would do better in the name of those who died, but this war is making that hard. Sacrificing people is… its not something that I can do easily. The Reapers, though. The sacrifices we’ll have to make to defeat them are just beginning. It makes me sick just to think about it.”  


“We’ll pull through, skipper; we have to. For the ones who didn’t make it this far, and the ones who still have a chance.”  


“Yeah, yeah.” Shepard drew in a shaky breath. “I know. I can’t afford to let it all get to me right now. There are people out there counting on us. They think I’m going to save them, and I’ll be damned if I don’t at the very least die trying.”  


“All due respect, but I’d rather you didn’t die on me again, skipper.”  


“What was it you said once about what people really mean when they say ‘all due respect’?” A smirk pulled at the corners of Shepard’s mouth.  


Ashley chuckled. “Quoting me at myself? That’s just cheating.”  


“That’s just cheating…” Shepard looked at her with pointed mirth.  


“Ma’am,” Ashley finished with a wry twist of her lips.  


“I’m glad you’re back, Ash,” Shepard said softly. “I don’t know if I could have kept this up without you.”  


“We’re all human here. Not – you know - humans humans, but humans as in squishy things who screw up a lot. Well, we’re both humans, but not everyone on the ship is. You know what I mean. Don’t try to take on the galaxy alone. I’ve got your back”  


“Thanks, Ash.” She shut her eyes, and Ashley thought she leaned into her hand where it still rested on her shoulder. “It – well, that means a lot. There isn’t anyone I could trust more.”  


“Hey, don’t get too mushy on me commander,” Ashley said, but she squeezed Shepard’s shoulder.  


“Yeah, can’t have that, Lieutenant-Commander.” Shepard looked at her, eyes tired, but a little less troubled, she thought.  


“Come on, we both need to sleep.”  


“Ugh.” Shepard moved to stand. “I guess.”  


Ashley stood and pulled her to her feet. “We won’t do much good if we don’t.”  


“Alright, alright. Just pull out the big guns, Williams,” Shepard said dryly.  


“Its what I do best, Ma’am.”  


They parted with a “goodnight” as the elevator doors shut behind Ashley on the crew deck. She stopped, staring up at the memorial wall.  


“I don’t want to see your name up here when this is done,” she whispered.  


_God save her _, she thought, _because I don’t know if I can _.____


End file.
